Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
