You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Say something about gay babies.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
