3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
