"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
