ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
