My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
