I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
