Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
