Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Bring me that man meat
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize