her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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