I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
