if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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