The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
