wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
