if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
