Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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