sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
