did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
