I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
