Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
