Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
