I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize