I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
