I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
