Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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