How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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