The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
