My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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