I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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