It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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