Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
