It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
