I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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