i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
