I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
