if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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