I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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