I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Randomize
