He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We have started to decorate penises.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
