Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
