I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
