I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
