my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
