True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bring me that man meat
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
