What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
