I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
