I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
