Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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