my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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