Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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