I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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