I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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