Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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