Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
