After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
