I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
