I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
