You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
