he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
