How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
